Day 17

I left the boutique yesterday to grab my laptop from home (there I go again -- but "home" is a relative term, isn't it?  The place my father lives is "home" relative to my workplace) and ended up just staying in bed eating ramen and watching television.  I webcammed with Rachel for hours, most of the time not saying much, just laughing or looking at other things on our respective laptop screens but comforted/discomfited by each other's virtual presence.  At the end of the day I hadn't done anything but advance to Season 2 of Avatar and make Rachel cry, the reason for which she won't tell me.  I skipped out on: work, the gym, a productive day.  When my dad's girlfriend came home I was too ashamed come out of my room to say hi or to even look at her.

And just now, sitting in my dad's office with him like I'm supposed to on days I'm not working at the boutique, we had a "serious" conversation.  He assured me that he's prepared to do anything to make me happier and/or a better person and/or independent, including cutting me off financially so I'll be forced to stand on my own legs.  He also told me that he has to make good on his promise to deduct ten dollars from my non-existent allowance for each word I uttered during an argument we had on our way to LA, or I would respect his word even less than I do now.  So now I'm short $160.

Also, my mom responded to my text with this: "You will never know how much it hurt me.  I hope you never experience that pain in your lifetime."

At which point does it become okay to just throw in the towel?  Not literally; I don't think I'm ready to die any more.  But I am tired of trying, trying, trying.  Or pretending to try.  I am tired of pretending.  I just want to read poetry I don't and never will understand in my room and write laughable prose and watch the rest of Avatar and webcam with friends and join writing critique circles and blog and cook every so often and Facebook.  I guess I'm saying I want to be retired.

In truth, I've given up more than once (more than twice, more than three times) so far in my life.  I've stayed unshowered and pale-skinned from not enough sun for months at a time.  I've emptied my head of everything but the now, now, now for long enough to bury everything.  I have dropped out of school, I have left churches, I have burned bridges, I have estranged friends and family, I have lost jobs and internships, I have given up on stories and poems, I have lost opportunities, I have quit seeing therapists, I have lost the faith of the people who love me.  I don't know why I still think it's a viable choice to just quit.

/angst