I wish I hadn't gone.
- I just miss my friends more now. Being with them reminded me of how easy it is around people you like and who like you, and it hurts to think that I may not be able to see them for a long time.
- My dad may not let me visit again because of how disappointed he is in my behavior this time around.
- I don't know why I do things that I know will hurt me in the future.
- The last 30 minutes of the car ride back, my dad and his girlfriend were arguing about nothing and getting really upset. I don't think anybody likes to witness fights, and I'm not an exception. I remember watching my parents grow to hate each other as a child, and listening to the same man have the same arguments with a different woman made me feel small and weak-limbed and tired.
- And most importantly, I didn't think it was possible, but I made things even worse with my mom. I'm stupid and inconsiderate and selfish. I texted her "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm safely back in Las Vegas" as soon as I got back, but she hasn't responded yet.
On that last bulletpoint, I typed "as soon as I got back home" without even thinking. This isn't home, though. I've been telling myself to take it a day at a time and keep my mind off of everything that's wrong with this environment and this house, but I don't know if I should. I don't want to get comfortable here.
At the same time, my mom made it clear that unless I change drastically, I don't have a home in Fullerton, either. And the cynic in me is having a hard time seeing drastic change happening any time soon (or even at all). I don't know what's happening. I feel untethered -- not for the first time in my life, but for the first time in two years.
Things I am unsure of:
- Where home is
- What will happen to my relationships with my parents
- My life more than a month in the future
- The sanctity of my life
- Why I am responsible for how people would feel if I should die
- My standing as a "good" or even "well-intentioned" person
- Whether I am going back to school
- What I want to do as a career
- My "goals"
- How I feel about anything
Things about me which sound more like a bad 80's lyric than anything:
- I don't know where home is
- I am the one responsible for where I am now
- I don't know what I want
- I don't know what I need
- I don't know who I am
- I can't see more than a month in the future
- I don't know what's good for me (this one's an actual 80's lyric, and a good one)
- I am unsure of everything but my own imperfection
- I am afraid of myself
- I am still a child
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