New blog:

fartingthrulife.blogspot.com

Day 129

I need to change the name of this blog.  I'm no longer Lost in Loss Vegas - more Finding Self in Fullerton lol.

I've successfully moved out.  I'm working 50+ hrs a week, but ten of those are for my mom, so it's not too bad.  I get to see Rachel every day, or nearly every day, which is still mind-blowing.  I'm not writing very much any more because I usually spend what downtime I do have with Rachel not doing much of anything, but I did apply to the UCs and CSUs for the fall of 2013, and I'm in the process of applying to private schools right now.  Supplemental essays, here I come.

I made a list of all the great people I've somehow managed to fill my life with, and it's a long list.  It makes me hopeful about where I'm going and how I'll be doing when I get there.  These days, I'm thinking in terms of years, not weeks.  I've (sort of) got a plan, I know what I need to do to make it happen, and I'm doing it.  Funny/strange.  Everything is happening!  Change is scary, but I can't help but be hopeful about it all.  And not anxious-hopeful either - just hopeful.

So what do I rename this blog?  Orange County Confessional?  The Call Center Diaries?  Letters from a Data Entry Clerk?  It needs to be something indicative of its embarrassingly personal nature.  Shameless Oversharing?

Day 116

It's been 5 days since I've taken my medication - I left it all in Vegas by accident - and I'm starting to feel the effects.  I'm anxious and suicidal and just generally not so great right now.  I remember feeling like this all through high school.  Glad that it's a rare occurrence these days.

Still, I'm calling my psychiatrist in the morning and asking him to send a script to a drugstore here.  I can't keep going like this.

Day 107

Drove back from CA today after a two day stay.  Exhausted, but I'm grateful that my dad let me bring my car back.  I don't feel trapped any more.

I'm moving out of my dad's house as soon as I finish my college applications, so that's my first priority now.  I found housing with really great people for when I do move out, which is a huge relief.  Also, I have a temporary job at a Korean barbecue place starting December.

Nothing's as bad as it could be.  Nothing that could happen is worse than what I deserve.  I am not owed anything by the world, and I don't owe anything to it, either.  I need to keep repeating these to myself whenever I start to feel scared.

Day 103

I used to update so often and in so much detail because I wanted this to be a record of my time here.  I wanted to track my growth and affirm that I was changing -- I didn't want the days to pass in an unchronicled blur.  But I don't mind letting these weeks slip by unremembered.  I don't want to hold onto these memories.

Fuck everything.  Fuck everything.

Day 100

If everything goes according to plan, I'll be on the Greyhound to Anaheim station in less than 35 hours.  I can't sleep.  I've been cycling between anticipation and stomach-clenching anxiety, and right now, I'm anxious.  Nothing is for certain right now.  It's entirely possible that I could end up stranded with no job and no permanent place to stay, which is terrifying.  But you make your own destiny, etc etc etc, so I'll just make this happen.  I'll keep contacting potential roommates and working on my college application and resume and packing my things.  This is all doable if I work hard enough at it, I think.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this blog.  Rename it?  I'm never coming back to Las Vegas.  I know I sound like a teenaged cliche, but I just need to prove everybody wrong -- myself included.  I need to prove to myself that I'm capable of this.

None of this positive affirmation is making the knot in my stomach go away, though.  I think I'll work on my resume and watch a little TV.